We often hear about how much our parents shape us, but the ways our siblings relate to and influence us can be just as profound. 

For years, I’d felt guilt, sadness, and a longing to be close to my older sister, but our relationship was shadowed by deep, unresolved dynamics from our childhood. She kept me at arms’ length, only talking to me when necessary, and I felt badly every time I thought about reaching out to her. 

I knew the first step was to examine and take responsibility for my part in the rift. I didn’t need to relive each painful episode, but I needed to understand the general dynamic and recognize my contributions to it. 

So, I wrote my sister a letter describing my lifelong desire for acceptance, inclusion, and closeness with her. I apologized for being a competitive brat, always trying to best her and be included in her circle of friends. I used to shoot her disapproving looks and say sharp, mean things when I felt excluded or when I couldn’t keep up with her and her friends.  In many ways, I was the favored child when we were young. Even though both of our parents loved both of us, I was the more “model” child, got good grades, and did the “right” things. I hurt her feelings then, and I think the legacy of that old favoritism lingers today.

Whether or not she actually meant it, growing up I “heard” from my sister, “You are not worth including a duo one wants to be around you.” And though it’s not true, she “heard” from me, “You’re not as smart as I am.”

We each got type case by our mom’e shadow. Our mother said that my sister was the “social” one and I was the “intelligent” one. We learned not to compete in the other’s “realm” so much that my sister grew up thinking she was stupid, and I grew up thinking I had no social skills. As adults we looked deeper and saw that our mom’s labels were more about her issues than any lack or gift of ours.

Now as I think of my sister, I celebrate her intelligence, sense of humor, strength and generous spirit. She is the best joke teller, and no else sings the April Fool’s Song with me on April 1, or shares our early family memories. She will always be the only one I went through the mumps with and the only other one who also got bad haircuts from our mom. She’s so dear to me and I’m proud to be her little sister!

I think of my younger self, who used every trick in the book not to be left behind, and who had plenty of social skills but didn’t use them in the nicest way. In my adult life, and through being a parent myself, I have since learned better ways to behave and love. Whether or not my sister is ready to shift hers, I have the power to shift my attitude, now.

Focusing on how much I love my sister feels much better than focusing on the rift or what anyone did to cause it! As I bask in appreciation and love, I feel much closer to my sister and to my own loving essence. My heart is full of love for myself and for her – and I wouldn’t be surprised if she feels it too. My goal is to live more in that attitude of appreciation rather than focusing on bad feelings. That feels like healing, and I can deepen that groove!

So, here’s to my sister! and to sisters, brother, and parents everywhere We are each others’ touchstones and healers – mirrors and accelerators of growth.

** This article first appeared in Maui Mama Magazine May-June 2016. www.mauimama.com

For more about family and sibling dynamics and how they affect you, read my book, Issues in Your Tissues: Heal Body and Emotion from the Inside Out. The next book will delve into these topics in greater depth. But start there!